Why We're Single

from d.d. to e.k, 11-03-12 10:45 AM, via iPhone

“uggghhh i got home at 5 am may or may not have brought a guy home and then told him to leave bc i wanted to spoon with my girlfriend lol and he was cute fml THAT is why im single.”

- d.d.

this message almost made up for the fact that she wouldn’t come for three dollar breakfast mimosas with me. who says no to three dollar mimosas?! one might argue that this lack of reason is actually why she’s single. just saying.

- e.k.

Due to the limiting nature of tumblr I assumed that only a teeny-tiny handful of my nearest and dearest ever read Why We’re Single. The recent abundance of disgruntled messages that I’ve received since I began posting infrequently is suggesting otherwise.  Not only do I owe you an apology, I realize that you glorious people deserve to be kept in the loop.  Yes, I have been a slacker. Yes, I am deeply sorry.

But exciting(ish) new things are in the works. 

During this pseudo hiatus I have actually been in the process of brainstorming how to improve WWS.  I originally chose tumblr because I am tragically technologically challenged and it was the least daunting platform. Sadly I have since realized that while it’s great for ‘microblogging’ (a real word! I was shocked too), it doesn’t allow for the level of accessibility and reader interaction that WWS needs.  To break it down: I want to know who’s reading my blog, I want to enable more reader feedback, and I don’t want it to be so fucking impossible to find us in a Google search.  As of right now anyone who attempts to find it based on word of mouth without the actual link winds up at a lesser blog that i don’t want people thinking is mine isn’t mine.  So I busted out the big guns, swallowed my pride and decided that being technologically inept is no excuse for sulking in a dark internet corner.  What’s that supposed to mean, you ask?  Well, if you frequent the Yonge-University subway line at rush hour on weekdays you may spot me; I’m  the frazzled looking girl attempting to deeply immerse herself in a copy of ‘Blogging for Dummies’ (no joke) while simultaniously trying to sheild the cover in a pathetic attempt to salvage what is left of her dignity.

So be patient with me.  Keep checking in, because I will be making an effort to continue posting regularly during whatever changes I decide to make.  Feel free to send any ideas or constructive criticism you have my way at wwsblog@gmail.com because I can and will use all the help that I can get.

Sincerely and adoringly yours,

- e.k. 

“Why am I always hungry for nachos no matter the time or day?” 

- Friend.

Spoken while making nachos a mere 24 hours after giving herself a third degree oven burn (nacho related).

NOTE TO SELF: canned tofu chili is not a substitute for pasta sauce. even with fresh parm.

(totally why i’m single.)

-e.k.

the theme of this past weekend was food.

friend, another friend and i decided to have a girls night in. we gave this ample thought and gathered all necessities: grimy clothes, comfy couch, marie antoinette on dvd and food. we got a bit carried away with the food; roughly a dozen macadamia nut cookies, 6 decadent cupcakes, chips and homemade dip (turns out not so homemade, according to other friend the packet of dip ‘came with the bowl’ but that didn’t make it any less delicious), three take out orders of vietnamese, limoncello cocktails and half a ham sandwich. we examined the spread seriously then decided that since we obviously had to eat all the food (obviously) we would have to come up with a brilliant plan to expand our stomachs to handle such decadence. what would enable us to munch out blindly until all food in sight was consumed? the answer was herbally clear. we had to get high. genius.

and we did eat all the food. literally, ALL the food. when the dip ran out i even smeared left over gobs of cupcake icing on my chips. we saved the ham sandwich for last and passed it around reverently wishing that there was more than just a half. i am still dreaming about that glorious sandwich.

at some point it occurred to us in a fit of giggles that there are a lot of girls out there who avoid getting stoned because they are concerned about the caloric consequences, whereas we are so intent on avoiding leftovers that we do it as a purposeful solution to turn ourselves into bottomless pits. friend says that there is “still red velvet cupcake evidence all the fuck over my coffee table”. a sign of success, if you will. bravo us. bravo.

this is why we’re single amazing. line up boys.

- e.k.

  I’m sitting on the subway, predrinking nervously for my date. Warm white wine in the Nalgene - I’m all class.

I’m predrinking not because I’m nervous for the date part, but because I’m nervous for the who it’s with part. Apparently some switch got dislodged in my brain recently, and I decided that it would be a good idea to start dating a very good old friend. My only defence is that the same switch also seems to have dislodged in his brain, as he was the one who casually asked me out after not so casually making out with me at a party. But seriously - aren’t you supposed to get to know people on a first date? I know everything about him already. And that is NOT an advantage.

Oh - a point I forgot to mention. Whilst nervously commuting to said date (from school), I am also haphazardly trying to complete an assignment with an imminent due date. Whilst predrinking, yes, and concurrently while writing this. And yes, that means I brought wine to school to predrink with. Hence why it’s warm.

So currently my life consists of dual anxiety regarding the date and assignment, combined with confusion about friend-dating protocol. Toss in a mild concern that I might not get drunk enough to combat awkward silences, and a much bigger concern that I might in fact get too drunk and accidentally sleep with my (very good looking) good old friend.

Basically this situation is what I like to call a “sauvignon emergency.” What - so I’ve been known to solo predrink for dates, okay?

Why am I single?
  PS: I’m also double fisting a coffee because I’ve been up since 6AM doing this assignment and it’s STILL NOT DONE.

PPS: worried about the protocol again - do you go in for a hello hug or a makeout? Double-kiss? Wave? Handshake? Huh?
 - Jane Doe

it would make sense for a blog called “why we’re single” to have run some sort of feature on valentines day, maybe even a countdown leading up to it. but this particular bloggess is a scattered disastrous mental mess (er…why i’m single?!?) right now and despite my brilliant plans and best efforts i failed. i really did have a few things lined up though i swear, and to prove it i am going to post some of them anyways. better late than never. i am not, however, going to talk about how i spent valentines day this year. you’re better off not knowing, trust me.

- e.k.

I’m currently working in a job I really can’t stand. Some days it feels like sandpaper rubbed against my skin would be more enjoyable.
I started taking up yoga practice this year to help with my stress levels, except I kept forgetting to be calm at work. So when I felt like I was going to lose it, I would politely excuse myself to the restroom and do a handstand. Its a lot harder to cry when you’re upside down, something about gravity? It feels like a reset button.

Thing is, once I realized how well this worked, I started to do it more often. I now measure my stress level in # of handstands. Me: “it was a 3 handstand day and I still feel like I need to have wine for dinner”… thats when you know its been a long week. 

Good outcome: my handstands are doing really great. Bad outcome: people probably think I have some type of bladder issue.

- anonymous

(this is quite possibly why she’s single, but i think she’s maybe on to something? with my luck gravity would fail me as a) i would probably cry anyways causing an upside down mascara mess, b) my nose always runs when i cry so i would get snot in my eyes which would most assuredly lead to pink eye, c) i would fall, and d) someone would walk in on me and witness all of the above.)  - e.k.

I’m having a bad day.

Do you ever have those days when you’re continuously complimented on how you look? One may take this as a huge compliment…. But not me. Not at all. Doesn’t the fact that even my prof made a point of hopping on the bandwagon to tell me I look nice today say something about my appearance every other day?!

I think I need to step up my game.

To add insult to injury, I was riding home tonight on the TTC with about 10 other classmates, one girl - I shit you not - stops everyone mid conversation and says “Guys, can I just point out how nice her (read: my) hair looks today.”

Thanks everyone, thanks a lot. way to put that nail in the coffin. And the worst part of it all; I looked way too good today not to be seen by a cute boy.

- Anonymous

my two cents (for the boys):

i can’t  count the number of times i have been told to ‘learn to take a compliment’. but compliments aren’t always positive. sometimes they are disguised criticisms or challenges. to be reasonable maybe girls just see it that way because we are prone to being insecure, over-analytical and hyper-sensitive (but who can blame us when there is so much pressure to be fucking perfect all the time). it sucks, but it’s also hard on the guy or ‘complimenter’ because he probably did just mean to say something nice without any subtext, maybe he was being perfectly sincere! then he gets all baffled and hurt and confused when we get all bristly and defensive and he gets so exhausted trying to keep up that he just concludes that we are crazy and makes a point of never complimenting us again which makes us even more insecure. and really, who can expect a nice boy to tolerate such a roller-coaster of emotions (that really isn’t even our fault because it loops back to their being so much pressure on us)? it becomes a horrible cycle of evil and this is why we’re single.

- e.k.

i closed my head in a closet door the other day.

that doesn’t even make sense right? hear me out.

you have to give the door in my hall closet a good slam to make it latch. i had just finished rooting around for god knows what and was preparing to turn away when i noticed that a good blouse had fallen off the hanger. i impulsively ducked back in to retrieve it in the same split second that another part of my brain gave the command for my arm to swing the door shut. hard. my head got in the way.

the real kicker is that this isn’t the first time i’ve done this. nope, it’s actually the third.

clearly i have difficulty learning from past mistakes - even when the conseqences include pain, facial bruising, and bags of frozen peas.  this is why i’m single.

- e.k.