Why We're Single

friend: i am sick.

e.k.: shit! sore throat and evil sniffles? feels like you swallowed a hedgehog and have been snorting drugs for 8 consecutive days? (which i have not FYI)

friend: oh no. oh yes. that’s the one exactly. also like the hedgehog crawled behind my eyes kinda. you too???

e.k.: yes! and then it had babies!!!

d.d.: (joins conversation): you two are in for quite the unwell ride… not only did i feel those things when i was sick but i also felt like my body had been tazed and a tijuana prostitute stole my voice box.

friend: well. that sounds like my worst nightmare and i am scared.

“Why am I always hungry for nachos no matter the time or day?” 

- Friend.

Spoken while making nachos a mere 24 hours after giving herself a third degree oven burn (nacho related).

the theme of this past weekend was food.

friend, another friend and i decided to have a girls night in. we gave this ample thought and gathered all necessities: grimy clothes, comfy couch, marie antoinette on dvd and food. we got a bit carried away with the food; roughly a dozen macadamia nut cookies, 6 decadent cupcakes, chips and homemade dip (turns out not so homemade, according to other friend the packet of dip ‘came with the bowl’ but that didn’t make it any less delicious), three take out orders of vietnamese, limoncello cocktails and half a ham sandwich. we examined the spread seriously then decided that since we obviously had to eat all the food (obviously) we would have to come up with a brilliant plan to expand our stomachs to handle such decadence. what would enable us to munch out blindly until all food in sight was consumed? the answer was herbally clear. we had to get high. genius.

and we did eat all the food. literally, ALL the food. when the dip ran out i even smeared left over gobs of cupcake icing on my chips. we saved the ham sandwich for last and passed it around reverently wishing that there was more than just a half. i am still dreaming about that glorious sandwich.

at some point it occurred to us in a fit of giggles that there are a lot of girls out there who avoid getting stoned because they are concerned about the caloric consequences, whereas we are so intent on avoiding leftovers that we do it as a purposeful solution to turn ourselves into bottomless pits. friend says that there is “still red velvet cupcake evidence all the fuck over my coffee table”. a sign of success, if you will. bravo us. bravo.

this is why we’re single amazing. line up boys.

- e.k.

The other day I went to my most favorite used bookstore looking for gems and was over the moon to discover that he had both seasons one and two of Gossip Girl for only twenty dollars each. Only twenty dollars, which obviously means practically free. And seriously, free Gossip Girl?! Sign me up.

But then I found a copy of On the Road that I don’t already own, Kerouac’s original scroll version, which also contained about half a book full of interesting intros and essays.

Sophie’s Choice much?! I was torn. After much pacing and wandering and muttering to myself I eventually returned to the cash.

‘Ok,’ I said with a big sigh. “I am getting this book. Unfortunately that means that I have to show restraint and only buy ONE season of Gossip Girl.”

He looked at me solemnly for a long moment, clearly appreciating the weight of my predicament, then nodded. “Your father would be proud.”

So true Bookstore Man.  So true.

T.G. once affectionately referred to Friend as a ‘mixed bag’ when she went from talking about the unfortunate commercialism of the Christmas season to gushing over the holiday window displays at Holt’s in the same breath.

I guess this means that I am a ‘mixed bag’ too. While I’d like to think that being this diverse and complex (see what I did there?) is just part of being a girl, I can also accept that it could be why I’m single.

Whatever. I have season two of Gossip girl and Kerouac. Clearly I win.

- e.k.

“… oh you’d love her! she, jane, and i were pretty much best friends in england. but really she’s more like you and me than jane. like, this girl is goddamn crazy.”  pauses contemplatively. “actually i prefer batshit crazy. when i hear the term batshit crazy i automatically think that it refers to us.”

- friend to e.k. (once again unintentionally giving insight into why we are single.)

t.g. invited Friend and i to a party last weekend.

Friend asked if there was a dresscode.  “classy-ish… but wear an ugly christmas sweater if you have one.” said t.g. 

“so basically he asked us to do the impossible.” she reported back to me. “basically he’s saying try to look cute in an ‘i’m not trying to look cute, i didn’t even know i’d be coming to this party’ way while also looking cute in a ‘fun ugly christmas sweater that shows i’m a good sport but doesn’t actually make ME look ugly’ way… which of course i don’t own and probably won’t find in the next 2 hours? awesome.”  

we were already running late and had to settle for semi-casual dresses (with heels of course). not exactly festive, though when we stood together we had a vague red-and-green thing going on which was accidental but convenient. luckily for Friend after a bottle of wine and several mystery cocktails (she is one hell of a bartender when she sets her mind to it) she managed to steal the perfect christmas sweater, and from a cute boy no less. red knit with white snowflakes - the perfect amount of festive kitsch. it even matched her dress.

but then cute boy busted out another sweater. a better sweater. like, the mother of all christmas sweaters. this thing somehow managed to capture the spirit of christmas in yarn. there was a fireplace, a mantle, stockings, a tree, a dog by the fire, a cat in it’s bed, even a line hanging with hats and mittens. i wanted to live in the cozy little room depicted in this sweater.

Friend didn’t take it well. the following is a direct quote that i had the good sense to write down immediately because it so perfectly captures just why we all love Friend. and by ‘write down’ i mean ‘text to another friend’ (completely out of context with no explanation, but i was confident that she would appreciate the genius in it). it also reveals a competitive side that i didn’t know Friend possessed.

“fuck, i wish i had that sweater. think of all the attention i’d get… whatever, fuck. i’m still stealing this shit. even if he wins the party. and christmas.”

personally i didn’t think she was being overly dramatic at all. i was on her team 100%, and she did take the sweater she was wearing, with my encouragement. which is probably why i also went home alone. technically we went ‘home alone’ together, stumbling three large city blocks trying to hail a cab, finally making it onto a bus, failing to be able to produce appropriate change but evoking the pity of the bus driver who let us stay on anyways (for half a block. because we were closer to my house than we thought) and then eating corn flakes on my bedroom floor for an hour or so before passing out…

but none of this has to do with why we’re single. probably.

i have no doubt that friend will win christmas next year. i wouldn’t put it past her to fly to the north pole on a mission to sweet talk mrs.clause into hand crafting her a sweater made of rudolph’s hair. i also wouldn’t put it past her to learn to knit. she takes this shit seriously.

-e.k.

happy holidays all!

Excessive pickiness when it comes to guys, coupled with a phobia of commitment are a disastrous combination. Welcome to my life.  I am notoriously single and many people wonder how I cope.  The answer has always been simple: My 5 step plan for friends with benefits! 

Step I- Have a good looking friend who is lots of fun, smart, nice and good in bed. They should live in a different city so that you only have to deal with them when you are in said city, and will otherwise cause no inconvenience.*

Step II- Before a visit to the friend in question, send a witty private message on Facebook casually discussing your plans to visit the city in question and your completely unrelated reasons for doing so. Then, once you’ve confirmed that this is a good idea, proceed to step three.

Step III- Upon arrival to the city begin very casual texting, discussing plans for the evening ahead and being charming and delightful.

Step IV- Look Fabulous.

Step V-  Meet up and have a fun drunken adventure leading eventually to fabulous sex. 

This system is flawless.  Or so I thought.

It was 12:45 am in said city, at the bar where said friend-with-benefits would soon be arriving. Steps one through four were complete. I was in the midst of bragging about my brilliant set up, when I received the following text:

“I’ll be there soon! Ps we can’t hook up tonight btw…That might be weird that I just said that?”

Suddenly I realized my foolproof five steps had one fundamental flaw: Good looking friends who are really fun, smart, nice and great in bed will not stay single forever like you. They will meet other girls who are nice and smart and pretty but who aren’t incapable of love… And when they do they will stop waiting around for you (the traveling gypsy of romance). Instead they will invest in something more long-term**.  They will also probably make really good boyfriends, since they are such great people - which is why you liked them in the first place. You’ll never actually know though, because you’re too busy being a love vagabond which is why you are single.

*Other helpful hints for escaping commitment include, but are not limited to:a) Having a fling with someone who is leaving on a lengthy international exchange in the very near future b) summer loving, the romances that obviously have to end when you go back to real life in September, “I’m going to miss you so much! But I’d hate to ruin this by trying to do long distance. We should just be friends!” (subtext: ‘with benefits’, see steps I-V above)   c) lovely British men who are visiting on business for only 3 days and you will likely never get to see again.
**also known as ‘a relationship’

- friend