Why We're Single

dry shampoo overdose. i look like marie antoinette. this is why i’m single.

- e.k.

friend: i am sick.

e.k.: shit! sore throat and evil sniffles? feels like you swallowed a hedgehog and have been snorting drugs for 8 consecutive days? (which i have not FYI)

friend: oh no. oh yes. that’s the one exactly. also like the hedgehog crawled behind my eyes kinda. you too???

e.k.: yes! and then it had babies!!!

d.d.: (joins conversation): you two are in for quite the unwell ride… not only did i feel those things when i was sick but i also felt like my body had been tazed and a tijuana prostitute stole my voice box.

friend: well. that sounds like my worst nightmare and i am scared.

from d.d. to e.k, 11-03-12 10:45 AM, via iPhone

“uggghhh i got home at 5 am may or may not have brought a guy home and then told him to leave bc i wanted to spoon with my girlfriend lol and he was cute fml THAT is why im single.”

- d.d.

this message almost made up for the fact that she wouldn’t come for three dollar breakfast mimosas with me. who says no to three dollar mimosas?! one might argue that this lack of reason is actually why she’s single. just saying.

- e.k.

NOTE TO SELF: canned tofu chili is not a substitute for pasta sauce. even with fresh parm.

(totally why i’m single.)

-e.k.

the theme of this past weekend was food.

friend, another friend and i decided to have a girls night in. we gave this ample thought and gathered all necessities: grimy clothes, comfy couch, marie antoinette on dvd and food. we got a bit carried away with the food; roughly a dozen macadamia nut cookies, 6 decadent cupcakes, chips and homemade dip (turns out not so homemade, according to other friend the packet of dip ‘came with the bowl’ but that didn’t make it any less delicious), three take out orders of vietnamese, limoncello cocktails and half a ham sandwich. we examined the spread seriously then decided that since we obviously had to eat all the food (obviously) we would have to come up with a brilliant plan to expand our stomachs to handle such decadence. what would enable us to munch out blindly until all food in sight was consumed? the answer was herbally clear. we had to get high. genius.

and we did eat all the food. literally, ALL the food. when the dip ran out i even smeared left over gobs of cupcake icing on my chips. we saved the ham sandwich for last and passed it around reverently wishing that there was more than just a half. i am still dreaming about that glorious sandwich.

at some point it occurred to us in a fit of giggles that there are a lot of girls out there who avoid getting stoned because they are concerned about the caloric consequences, whereas we are so intent on avoiding leftovers that we do it as a purposeful solution to turn ourselves into bottomless pits. friend says that there is “still red velvet cupcake evidence all the fuck over my coffee table”. a sign of success, if you will. bravo us. bravo.

this is why we’re single amazing. line up boys.

- e.k.

it would make sense for a blog called “why we’re single” to have run some sort of feature on valentines day, maybe even a countdown leading up to it. but this particular bloggess is a scattered disastrous mental mess (er…why i’m single?!?) right now and despite my brilliant plans and best efforts i failed. i really did have a few things lined up though i swear, and to prove it i am going to post some of them anyways. better late than never. i am not, however, going to talk about how i spent valentines day this year. you’re better off not knowing, trust me.

- e.k.

I’m currently working in a job I really can’t stand. Some days it feels like sandpaper rubbed against my skin would be more enjoyable.
I started taking up yoga practice this year to help with my stress levels, except I kept forgetting to be calm at work. So when I felt like I was going to lose it, I would politely excuse myself to the restroom and do a handstand. Its a lot harder to cry when you’re upside down, something about gravity? It feels like a reset button.

Thing is, once I realized how well this worked, I started to do it more often. I now measure my stress level in # of handstands. Me: “it was a 3 handstand day and I still feel like I need to have wine for dinner”… thats when you know its been a long week. 

Good outcome: my handstands are doing really great. Bad outcome: people probably think I have some type of bladder issue.

- anonymous

(this is quite possibly why she’s single, but i think she’s maybe on to something? with my luck gravity would fail me as a) i would probably cry anyways causing an upside down mascara mess, b) my nose always runs when i cry so i would get snot in my eyes which would most assuredly lead to pink eye, c) i would fall, and d) someone would walk in on me and witness all of the above.)  - e.k.

I’m having a bad day.

Do you ever have those days when you’re continuously complimented on how you look? One may take this as a huge compliment…. But not me. Not at all. Doesn’t the fact that even my prof made a point of hopping on the bandwagon to tell me I look nice today say something about my appearance every other day?!

I think I need to step up my game.

To add insult to injury, I was riding home tonight on the TTC with about 10 other classmates, one girl - I shit you not - stops everyone mid conversation and says “Guys, can I just point out how nice her (read: my) hair looks today.”

Thanks everyone, thanks a lot. way to put that nail in the coffin. And the worst part of it all; I looked way too good today not to be seen by a cute boy.

- Anonymous

my two cents (for the boys):

i can’t  count the number of times i have been told to ‘learn to take a compliment’. but compliments aren’t always positive. sometimes they are disguised criticisms or challenges. to be reasonable maybe girls just see it that way because we are prone to being insecure, over-analytical and hyper-sensitive (but who can blame us when there is so much pressure to be fucking perfect all the time). it sucks, but it’s also hard on the guy or ‘complimenter’ because he probably did just mean to say something nice without any subtext, maybe he was being perfectly sincere! then he gets all baffled and hurt and confused when we get all bristly and defensive and he gets so exhausted trying to keep up that he just concludes that we are crazy and makes a point of never complimenting us again which makes us even more insecure. and really, who can expect a nice boy to tolerate such a roller-coaster of emotions (that really isn’t even our fault because it loops back to their being so much pressure on us)? it becomes a horrible cycle of evil and this is why we’re single.

- e.k.

i closed my head in a closet door the other day.

that doesn’t even make sense right? hear me out.

you have to give the door in my hall closet a good slam to make it latch. i had just finished rooting around for god knows what and was preparing to turn away when i noticed that a good blouse had fallen off the hanger. i impulsively ducked back in to retrieve it in the same split second that another part of my brain gave the command for my arm to swing the door shut. hard. my head got in the way.

the real kicker is that this isn’t the first time i’ve done this. nope, it’s actually the third.

clearly i have difficulty learning from past mistakes - even when the conseqences include pain, facial bruising, and bags of frozen peas.  this is why i’m single.

- e.k.

i suspect that i am not the only girl who gets a strange thrill out of learning all about a new guy’s ex(s).  i’m not a jealous person - if anything it makes me a little smug, because he’s not with her/them anymore is he? nope, he’s with me. plus you’d think it would be advantageous to learn just what he didn’t like about her/them, and why it didn’t work out. but in most cases (in my experience), no matter who the guy is, no matter how long they dated etc, his explanation usually boils down to her being irrational, needy, demanding, controlling, “crazy” or all of the above.

that makes it easy though, right? that means all i have to do to remain this fellow’s number one is to never appear irrational, needy, demanding, controlling, “crazy” or all of the above.

er…right.

SO ANSWER ME THIS GUYS!!:

is it better to be upfront with you and tell you what we want/need/think we deserve and risk appearing demanding or needy etc? 

OR

would you rather we do that “girl thing” where we get all stand-offish and drop hints as to why we’re displeased, then get annoyed when you’re too thick to pick up on the cues?

because this kind of question turns into a chicken-egg thing where trying not to seem crazy makes us behave strangely which makes us over-analyze which eventually drives us legit crazy.  you are setting us up to fail here! or maybe we are setting ourselves up to fail? or… wait, fuck. maybe i just need to stop asking new boys about ex-girls. orrrrr maybe i should just give in to my inevitable fate and stay single forever. because my brain hurts.

- e.k.