i just got a promotion(ish) at work and my brain is fried and overflowing from new learnings and that is my excellent excuse for not posting in a while. on the upside i have been embarassing myself left right and center and i fully intend to share my sad stories so you can’t be mad at me. here comes one right now.
so one of my new tasks at work is setting up video conference meetings for our executives on our high tech fancy ‘polycom’ (i am assured that it’s a simple process but anything that involves more than two remotes can’t possibly be easy, so i remain skeptical).
anyways.
one of the executive assistants was walking me through the steps, so far so good, when lo and behold our images appeared on the big screen, as did those of the assistants setting up the conference from the u.k. office. they looked lovely. i did NOT. my loose boho braid that had seemed like such a good idea that morning looked lank. my face was strangely shaped and my skin was sallow. my pretty wedges made me tower over my petite coworker and ISN’T BLACK SUPPOSED TO BE SLIMMING?! (before those of you who know me leap through your computer screen to smack sense into me let me state that i am well aware that i am anything but overweight. if anything i tend to be on the scrawny side, but at that moment, on that screen, thanks to that evil camera, i looked like a lumpy beast). i wish that was the worst of it. unfortunately the moment my image appeared in high def my posture went to complete shit as i instinctively cowered in horror. i broke out in a sweat and couldn’t for the life of me figure out what to do with my arms, hands, legs, feet. the evidence of my discomfort stared at me in real time as i watched myself struggle in vain to establish a stance that made me look self assured and nonchalant.
arms crossed - no, arms behind back - no, shuffle feet - oh god stop doing that, tilt head - what am i a dog?! bend slighty to match jen’s height - fuck i look like a hunchback, did i try arms crossed? oh god stop moving! what are you doing with your face?! stop panicking you moron oh god why can’t you just stop being so fucking awkward!!!!!
i watched as i failed.
i am camera shy at the best of times but this is to be part of my job, i can’t escape it, and i am a professional goddamnit. that said i am already dreading having to dress for the brief moment each day when i will be faced with this horrible situation, this nightmare, this corporate conferencing video polycom from hell. luckily from trauma came an epiphany: unflattering cameras and high definition are self esteem rapists - and without self esteem we can’t project confidence and everyone knows that guys are attracted to confidence (i think??) and this is why we’re single.
p.s. i have been brainstorming solutions to this polycom issue. my best idea so far? i’ll just wear a mask. everyone looks awesome in masks. also, and i don’t know this from experience (yet) but i bet it’s hard to feel insecure and vulnerable wearing a snarling beast face. bonus points for a furry one, because fur is making a serious comeback. stylish, professional, fierce. best idea ever.f
p.s. #2: relax PETA, i buy vintage.
- e.k.
