For my girls (who should consider doing the same)…
After much thought of what I truly desire in a man, I have come up with an in-depth, online application form to better serve your interests.
Please only apply once. If your application is accepted, you will be contacted for intense scrutinization with the advisory board (closest girlfriends, and mom). If you are not contacted, you are not capable of filling this position and any further attempt to apply will be given automatic rejection.
1. Do you look like Robert Pattinson?
2. Have you ever been described as one or more of the following? (please circle):
high-maintenance, asshole, uncontrollable sex-addict, dependent, creepy, obsessive, abusive, high-strung, retarded
3. Can you build things and/or fix cars?
4. Do you have any condition such as neediness, lack of motivation, gluttony, or bad taste in music, that would prevent you from being respected in this position?
5. Please give a detailed example of a time when you were dominant and slightly bossy but did not come across chauvinistic or controlling.
6. Which of the following statements are you most likely to make:
a) “We don’t need to cuddle, it’s too hot anyways.”
b) “Of course you should appear single as an artist.”
c) “I hate PDA.”
d) “Let’s rent cheesy comedies and drink some wine.”
e) All of the above.
7. Please provide a list of at least five things that make you artistically intriguing.
8. Are you ready, able, and willing to give a good back massage without groping?
9. Please indicate which action you would take if you were to walk into a room and see that your girlfriend was busy reading, writing or practicing music:
a) Ignore the fact that she is wrapped up in something and begin talking about yourself, expecting her drop everything to pay undivided attention to you.
b) Ask, “what are you doing?” as if you are stupid and can’t figure it out for yourself.
c) Just walk away.
10. Are you capable of and emotionally stable enough to choose your battles, walk away from an argument, and agree to disagree?
11. Would you agree that there IS such thing as a stupid question?
12. Please explain how you plan to maintain a balance between having your own life and being an attentive, yet not over-bearing companion.
Note: Canadian citizens, drummers, and those with a fantastic sense of humor will be given first priority.
By Elise Roller
along with being one of the most badass girls i know (and a very dear friend), elise is a total rockstar living in calgary; the roomate/leadsinger/’wendy’ to a band of lost boys known as ‘go for the eyes’. check them out here, and then write your own boyfriend/girlfriend application and submit it to me. because these are fun.
- e.k.
