Excessive pickiness when it comes to guys, coupled with a phobia of commitment are a disastrous combination. Welcome to my life. I am notoriously single and many people wonder how I cope. The answer has always been simple: My 5 step plan for friends with benefits!
Step I- Have a good looking friend who is lots of fun, smart, nice and good in bed. They should live in a different city so that you only have to deal with them when you are in said city, and will otherwise cause no inconvenience.*
Step II- Before a visit to the friend in question, send a witty private message on Facebook casually discussing your plans to visit the city in question and your completely unrelated reasons for doing so. Then, once you’ve confirmed that this is a good idea, proceed to step three.
Step III- Upon arrival to the city begin very casual texting, discussing plans for the evening ahead and being charming and delightful.
Step IV- Look Fabulous.
Step V- Meet up and have a fun drunken adventure leading eventually to fabulous sex.
This system is flawless. Or so I thought.
It was 12:45 am in said city, at the bar where said friend-with-benefits would soon be arriving. Steps one through four were complete. I was in the midst of bragging about my brilliant set up, when I received the following text:
“I’ll be there soon! Ps we can’t hook up tonight btw…That might be weird that I just said that?”
Suddenly I realized my foolproof five steps had one fundamental flaw: Good looking friends who are really fun, smart, nice and great in bed will not stay single forever like you. They will meet other girls who are nice and smart and pretty but who aren’t incapable of love… And when they do they will stop waiting around for you (the traveling gypsy of romance). Instead they will invest in something more long-term**. They will also probably make really good boyfriends, since they are such great people - which is why you liked them in the first place. You’ll never actually know though, because you’re too busy being a love vagabond which is why you are single.
*Other helpful hints for escaping commitment include, but are not limited to:a) Having a fling with someone who is leaving on a lengthy international exchange in the very near future b) summer loving, the romances that obviously have to end when you go back to real life in September, “I’m going to miss you so much! But I’d hate to ruin this by trying to do long distance. We should just be friends!” (subtext: ‘with benefits’, see steps I-V above) c) lovely British men who are visiting on business for only 3 days and you will likely never get to see again.
**also known as ‘a relationship’
- friend
