Why We're Single

Big WWS news for those of you who haven’t given up on me! The official launch date for “CATCH 25: why we’re single” will be MAY 1st, 2011.  The new blog will be hosted by Blogger but check back to this page and I will provide a link to make the transition easy-peasy.  From May 1st onward new posts will appear Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and it isn’t too soon for you guys to start sending me your submissions (anonymous or not - your call!). I am super excited and thank you all for your support*.

xxx e.k.

*  “support” from my closer friends has come in the form of rage-full scary threats pertaining to my irregular posts, but that still counts. Fear is an excellent motivator.

dry shampoo overdose. i look like marie antoinette. this is why i’m single.

- e.k.

friend: i am sick.

e.k.: shit! sore throat and evil sniffles? feels like you swallowed a hedgehog and have been snorting drugs for 8 consecutive days? (which i have not FYI)

friend: oh no. oh yes. that’s the one exactly. also like the hedgehog crawled behind my eyes kinda. you too???

e.k.: yes! and then it had babies!!!

d.d.: (joins conversation): you two are in for quite the unwell ride… not only did i feel those things when i was sick but i also felt like my body had been tazed and a tijuana prostitute stole my voice box.

friend: well. that sounds like my worst nightmare and i am scared.

from d.d. to e.k, 11-03-12 10:45 AM, via iPhone

“uggghhh i got home at 5 am may or may not have brought a guy home and then told him to leave bc i wanted to spoon with my girlfriend lol and he was cute fml THAT is why im single.”

- d.d.

this message almost made up for the fact that she wouldn’t come for three dollar breakfast mimosas with me. who says no to three dollar mimosas?! one might argue that this lack of reason is actually why she’s single. just saying.

- e.k.

Due to the limiting nature of tumblr I assumed that only a teeny-tiny handful of my nearest and dearest ever read Why We’re Single. The recent abundance of disgruntled messages that I’ve received since I began posting infrequently is suggesting otherwise.  Not only do I owe you an apology, I realize that you glorious people deserve to be kept in the loop.  Yes, I have been a slacker. Yes, I am deeply sorry.

But exciting(ish) new things are in the works. 

During this pseudo hiatus I have actually been in the process of brainstorming how to improve WWS.  I originally chose tumblr because I am tragically technologically challenged and it was the least daunting platform. Sadly I have since realized that while it’s great for ‘microblogging’ (a real word! I was shocked too), it doesn’t allow for the level of accessibility and reader interaction that WWS needs.  To break it down: I want to know who’s reading my blog, I want to enable more reader feedback, and I don’t want it to be so fucking impossible to find us in a Google search.  As of right now anyone who attempts to find it based on word of mouth without the actual link winds up at a lesser blog that i don’t want people thinking is mine isn’t mine.  So I busted out the big guns, swallowed my pride and decided that being technologically inept is no excuse for sulking in a dark internet corner.  What’s that supposed to mean, you ask?  Well, if you frequent the Yonge-University subway line at rush hour on weekdays you may spot me; I’m  the frazzled looking girl attempting to deeply immerse herself in a copy of ‘Blogging for Dummies’ (no joke) while simultaniously trying to sheild the cover in a pathetic attempt to salvage what is left of her dignity.

So be patient with me.  Keep checking in, because I will be making an effort to continue posting regularly during whatever changes I decide to make.  Feel free to send any ideas or constructive criticism you have my way at wwsblog@gmail.com because I can and will use all the help that I can get.

Sincerely and adoringly yours,

- e.k. 

“Why am I always hungry for nachos no matter the time or day?” 

- Friend.

Spoken while making nachos a mere 24 hours after giving herself a third degree oven burn (nacho related).

NOTE TO SELF: canned tofu chili is not a substitute for pasta sauce. even with fresh parm.

(totally why i’m single.)

-e.k.

the theme of this past weekend was food.

friend, another friend and i decided to have a girls night in. we gave this ample thought and gathered all necessities: grimy clothes, comfy couch, marie antoinette on dvd and food. we got a bit carried away with the food; roughly a dozen macadamia nut cookies, 6 decadent cupcakes, chips and homemade dip (turns out not so homemade, according to other friend the packet of dip ‘came with the bowl’ but that didn’t make it any less delicious), three take out orders of vietnamese, limoncello cocktails and half a ham sandwich. we examined the spread seriously then decided that since we obviously had to eat all the food (obviously) we would have to come up with a brilliant plan to expand our stomachs to handle such decadence. what would enable us to munch out blindly until all food in sight was consumed? the answer was herbally clear. we had to get high. genius.

and we did eat all the food. literally, ALL the food. when the dip ran out i even smeared left over gobs of cupcake icing on my chips. we saved the ham sandwich for last and passed it around reverently wishing that there was more than just a half. i am still dreaming about that glorious sandwich.

at some point it occurred to us in a fit of giggles that there are a lot of girls out there who avoid getting stoned because they are concerned about the caloric consequences, whereas we are so intent on avoiding leftovers that we do it as a purposeful solution to turn ourselves into bottomless pits. friend says that there is “still red velvet cupcake evidence all the fuck over my coffee table”. a sign of success, if you will. bravo us. bravo.

this is why we’re single amazing. line up boys.

- e.k.

  I’m sitting on the subway, predrinking nervously for my date. Warm white wine in the Nalgene - I’m all class.

I’m predrinking not because I’m nervous for the date part, but because I’m nervous for the who it’s with part. Apparently some switch got dislodged in my brain recently, and I decided that it would be a good idea to start dating a very good old friend. My only defence is that the same switch also seems to have dislodged in his brain, as he was the one who casually asked me out after not so casually making out with me at a party. But seriously - aren’t you supposed to get to know people on a first date? I know everything about him already. And that is NOT an advantage.

Oh - a point I forgot to mention. Whilst nervously commuting to said date (from school), I am also haphazardly trying to complete an assignment with an imminent due date. Whilst predrinking, yes, and concurrently while writing this. And yes, that means I brought wine to school to predrink with. Hence why it’s warm.

So currently my life consists of dual anxiety regarding the date and assignment, combined with confusion about friend-dating protocol. Toss in a mild concern that I might not get drunk enough to combat awkward silences, and a much bigger concern that I might in fact get too drunk and accidentally sleep with my (very good looking) good old friend.

Basically this situation is what I like to call a “sauvignon emergency.” What - so I’ve been known to solo predrink for dates, okay?

Why am I single?
  PS: I’m also double fisting a coffee because I’ve been up since 6AM doing this assignment and it’s STILL NOT DONE.

PPS: worried about the protocol again - do you go in for a hello hug or a makeout? Double-kiss? Wave? Handshake? Huh?
 - Jane Doe

disregard my last post. fuck writing about valentines day, i’m over it. i’d much rather write about my most recent misadventure. not because it’s good reading, but because right now blogging is the only form of therapy i can afford, and right now, i need some damn therapy.

so i mentioned my new job not too long ago. turns out it’s great. unfortunately we became short one other assistant on my third day, and now i have her workload which means that i am learning two new jobs rather than just the one and i am frazzled as shit.

a bit of background info about me: i have a pattern of taking on much more than i can shoulder, paired with a fear of ever making a mistake and a crippling need to have everyone like me. under too much pressure, i shut down, meltdown, become braindead and sink into a pit of insecurity, self loathing and self sabotage. in an attempt to avoid this downward spiral i have learned to pick up on the warning signs telling me that i need to take a step back and regroup.

all signs were present leading up to yesterday but i didn’t take time to step back because i didn’t have time to step back and i kept pushing forward and then a technological hiccup in our system at work impaired my ability to do my job effectively or at all really and i panicked but managed to hide that fact (i hope), then i ended up having to work through my lunch and i am a little on the hypoglycemic side and by the time i stumbled out of the office i had unconsciously hit a brick wall.

scenario: busy toronto intersection at rush hour. people bustling, pushing, talking, streetcars, cabs sirens etc… and i was in sensory overload. lights were brighter, noises more piercing, people all seemed menacing. the world was closing in on me. and then the pigeon happened. he appeared from nowhere, and all reason (what was left of it) went out the window. in weak defense to my sanity, that pigeon was clearly not right in the head (who am i to judge) and i remain convinced that he meant to do me harm. it was the last straw. i fled - quite literally - and hid in an alley for a good half hour. dry sobs, shaking, snot and tears. real cute. when i finally emerged tentatively, glassy eyed and stunned, i had to call someone to come collect me. i was fetal and unresponsive for a good hour.

all because of this pattern. taking on too much. not knowing my limits. afraid of criticism and failure. all because i am so damn sensitive. is this just a girl thing? is this part of a quarter-life crisis? is this why i’m single?!? i don’t want to be weak or vulnerable. i want to be competent and strong, but i don’t back off when i should and i choose to believe people when they remind me that i am very strong and capable and say ‘you can do this! you know you can’ over my own good sense. know what? sometimes i can’t.

i ran from a fucking pigeon.

- e.k.